I can’t sleep at all

I can’t stop replaying the converstation with the doc all over again. I can’t stop thinking about it. I get more pissed whenever I do think about it. I hate having to sigh it off, and wonder why the hell I did that, and I hate having to know everything about them. There’s something in me that wonders why I would care? Like, okay? I’m sorry that happened to you, but also that doesn’t excuse what you did. We all have hard lives, hard upbringings, I’m sorry mine pales in comparison to yours. It’s terrible, I know, but they changed my organs around because I got too close to Jax, I can’t stress this enough.

And I don’t want to fucking comfort a bitch that rearranges my stomach. No! What?! Fuck being the bigger person, you did something evil, and wretched. I don’t know if they ever accepted that they did that. They just started at me, and said “oh my god I still did all those things.” And I know it takes time, but I didn’t even get an apology bro. Like a “oh shit my bad bruh” was no where in sight! Lovely!

Have I been in their position before? Perfect match? Fuck no. But have I ruined people’s lives because of my own personal trauma, and kept that demon running? Yes! Does it take time to improve? Also yes! Did it take screaming at my face to make me realize I couldn’t dodge it forever? YEAH! I get what they’re going through, but holy shit, it’s pissing me off so bad that they know and yet didn’t. do. anything. And who gonna know? Who gonna know I feel this way? That’s right, nobody but me, myself, and I. Nobody but me, myself, and I! I can act as immature as I want here and I don’t have to fucking excuse it, no siree.

I’m just glad that I clarified some things with Jax. That actually felt like a productive conversation. He just needs to learn how to let go. I’m willing to teach him that. I want to teach him that. He’s my crush, I’ll stop hiding it from myself. I love him too much to be so pissed. I’m just mad that HE COULD. GET. OUT. WHENEVER. BRUH! Bruhruhruhruhrurh. Okay, overstatment, because I think if that happened his head would’ve gotten ripped off so maybe it’s for the best he didn’t do that!

I’m just so worried. I hope he doesn’t realize how much it hurts me to see him like that. I hope I’m staying strong somewhat, because I know some tears and honesty will get me places with him. NOT THAT I FAKED IT! More like, I didn’t hide it. Why hide my pain and suffering to someone I dearly love? That’s my thought process anyways. He can handle it, we’ll be fine. I hope he knows he can be honest with me too.

OH MY GOD! AND! PRAYERS TO BRIAR, I’M SORRY, I’LL STICK A NEEDLE IN MY EYE I FEEL SO BADDDDD AHHHH FUCK YOU COOL! DIEIDEDIEIDEIDEIDEIDEIDEIE